Building A Better Film Review Shorthand
That's a graphic review of The Perfect Movie: a perfect score on a ratings system that exists only between my two ears.
Let's be honest: film and TV reviews are difficult to write and frequently difficult to glean much useful information from, primarily because there are vast, wide, legitimate differences in taste among us humans.
You loved Scary Movie 3; I didn't bother to see it. I loved Bubble Boy; people who are raising a child in a plastic bubble were offended it was even made. The English Patient racked up award after award while dogged moviegoers napped through much of it.
The problem isn't the reviewers. It's that a "flat" rating system forces entirely different genres of films into the same one-to-five star system (or an even more limited thumbs-up/thumbs/down system). Quite simply, this is nevergoing to work.
Readers are stuck trying to figure out whether their own taste coincides with any given reviewer's (back in the day, I was a Siskel girl and my dad was an Ebert man; we rarely agreed on what to see. Stupid Honeysuckle Rose.)
Adding Dimension to Judgment
I think I've worked up a system that solves the problem. (Pre-emptive apologies to Deven's Mom and the Movie Crew; I think their Cats-and-Crowssystem leads to ratings that are at least as useful and reliable as my localReader's film reviewer's have ever been.)
My system assigns hearts, neurons, roses, bonbons, rollercoasters, and Escher drawings to films, based on my judgment of their appeal in several dimensions:
- The Awwwwwwwwwww Factor: Emotional impact
- The Oooooooooooooooh Factor: Aesthetic merit
- The Hmmmmmmmmmm Factor: Intellect/brain engagement
- The Mmmmmmmmmmm Factor: Does it make you wantmore?
- The Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Factor: (Optional) Is it just plain fun, no matter what its other merits (or lack thereof)?
- The Whooooooooaaaaah Factor: (Optional) Awarded for unexpected originality or general mind-blow-i-ness
One Heart:
Unencumbered by emotion. Light on mush, gush and feelgood. Passes the beer-guzzling, buddy-punching “Guy Test” with hairy-chested flying colors.
Two Hearts:
For the duration of the film, I care, sympathize, or identify with the characters--enough to keep me involved. But my heart was neither tickled nor ripped out.
Three Hearts:
Whether the ultimate reaction was “squeeeee!” or “waaaaaah!,” I got emotionally caught up in this film. And I’ll probably still feel a twinge of that feeling six months from now, should somebody ask me about the movie.
One Rose
Nothing particularly remarkable about the effects, art direction, cinematography, script, music or sound; Sound, competent filmmaking.
Two Roses
Lovely to look at, or to hear, or to experience. The filmmaker’s gone to some effort to serve the story in an artistic way and it shows.
Three Roses Eye-candy, ear-candy, or some combination of both. Gorgeous, ravishing, stunning, award-worthy for writing or directing or effects or cinematography. One Neuron
Leave the brain at home; you won't be needing it.
Two Neurons
Requires some cranial engagement for optimal enjoyment. While children and the simple-minded may enjoy the film at the surface level, it’s got a bit more going on than meets the eye.
Three Neurons
Felt like I should have studied for the test before I walked into the theatre. Pack aspirin; your head may hurt at the end. In a GOOD way.
One Bonbon
Not going to queue this one up again anytime soon.
Two Bonbons
Thoroughly enjoyable as an overall experience. I could be convinced to watch it again, under the right circumstances.
Three Bonbons
So ridiculously satisfying I want to own, watch it over and over, recommend it to all my friends, and force them to watch, as well.
Bonus Icons
Escher: Surprising, shocking, original, twisty, or jaw-dropping in some fundamental way. Rollercoaster: Because if it’s a rip-roaring fun ride, some folks might not really care about anything else. Putting it Together
Below are matrices for a few films I love, a few I've seen recently...and at least one I rather wish I'd never heard of, let alone seen.
Star Wars
Perfectly adequate in emotion and intellect and an overachiever in both aesthetics and pure fun.
My Verdict: Three bonbons = eminently rewatchable. Others who value neurons and hearts more might not agree, and would now know that my bonbons are more freely given than theirs.
The Princess Bride
One of my favorite films of all time doesn't need to go nuts in the aesthetics or brains department; it had me at those three hearts and that whizzing rollercoaster.
Pride & Prejudice (Wet-shirt Colin Firth Version)
Great big wet-hankie movie, adequate smarts and lovely (if not sublime) artistic merit. OK, so we're learning that when a film gets three hearts, it pretty much gets three bonbons from this reviewer. Good to know.
The Usual Suspects
Great. Big. Brains. An Escher. A rollercoaster. Who cares how the thing was shot, or that it's not going to make me run down to Costco for a metric shitload of facial tissues? It's frakkin' awesome.
One of my favorite films of all time is admittedly under-endowed in the heart department, but it's gorgeous and thought-provoking, and it got both possible bonuses--Escher and the rollercoaster. Ergo, totally re-watchable.
Speed Racer
I can't argue that it wasn't visually accomplished, and I have no doubt that objectively, for some people, it's a lot of fun. So, while I'm not a "roses and rollercoasters" kind of gal, other moviegoers might be. This matrix would still be helpful to point them in the direction of the film, even though I personallythought this film blew giant chunks of wooly mammoth balls.
Still one of the best horror films out there for my money. It's just not a genre I gravitate toward. Were I were ranking, say, Saw, you'd have another vertical row.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
A practically cosmic achievement.
Die Hard
Proving that medium heart + medium brains + downright fun = maximum bonbons.
UPDATED: I Spit On Your Grave
In due consideration of comments that assured me I am not really destroying the internal consistency of the icon system if I refuse to award even one rose/neuron/bonbon/heart to a film: The honorary I Spit On Your Grave Pile of Poo.
Truly the worst thing I've ever sat all the way through. I looked for diapers, but the buzzing flies around this sealed the deal.
Comments
Finally, a multi-axis rating system!
Indeed.
Owl and Duane, thanks!
:) Rated
And I think your brain is a triple icon escher rollercoaster.
Unless, of course, I come back as other log-ins and thumb it some more.
I think you should add one more icon - the open diaper with the little stench lines coming up out of it. For those movies that should never have been made.
PS - how dare you hate "I Spit on Your Grave?" It's classic feminist cinema at its' finest!
Can we apply this to our posts? Much better than that thumb.
Rob, I will be tickled bloody pink if I see you use this in a post. No. MAGENTA.
Surly, if you ate all the bonbons, you shouldn't be surly anymore.
m. a.h., you're too sweet!
Bill...hm. A diaper, eh?
[thinking]
I give it a thumbification, four stars, a kitty treat and a furtive glance at the crow above the chamber door. My metaphors are mixed, my DVR is warmed up and there may or may not be popcorn.
(Moulin Rouge! gives good chart)
1 -- I'd pay to see it again
2 -- I'd watch it again for free
3 -- I want my money back
4 -- I'll pay not to watch it again
5 -- I'd only watch it again to get laid
Now, if we're talking Across the Universe, well. Two hearts, three roses, one brain, three bonbons.
Three roses, two roses (one of those is for Cat Stevens), two neurons, and three bonbons. Dudette, that was EASY.
Stellaa--any hearts or roses?
Dr. Horrible's Singalong Blog
3 hearts
1 1/2 roses
2 neurons
4 bonbons I know it only goes to 3 but I call 4 here.
Add a rollercoaster and an Escher and it's a near-perfect show which makes me want more and more and generates much repeat watching. Of course, as we have discussed, it contains the all time best movie line.
Yes, ladies and germs, the line, "The hammer is my penis."
Kill Bill: One heart, one rose, two neurons, one bonbon (at least for me), and maybe a rollercoaster.
FEARLESS by the film god Peter Weir:
2 Hearts
3 Roses
3 Neurons
3 Bonbons
1 Escher
(But apparently, nobody saw the movie).
I happen to agree with all of your assessments so if you could please get a job rating movies that'd be like having a financial advisor, sort of and stop me from wasting a lot of my time.
Thank You, Let me know when you get the job and where I can find your listing... times a wastin'.
rated (:
Farmer, we just saw Dr. Horrible last night for the first time, I agree with your rating.
(rated)
Great rating system for those of us needing more than thumbs and stars. Bon-bons...yep!
Well thought out and hilarious.
but I still give the post 'thumbs-up'!
:-)
I'm running a bunch of seminar sessions @ work today and can't be around for comments but *mwah!* to everyone, and sorry about the headaches!
Joseph: I'm going to buy them their Christmas turkey.
Albert: "Buy"? Do you really mean "buy"?
Joseph: Yes, buy! In the Spirit of Christmas. The hard part's going to be stealing the money to pay for it.
And your rating examples are spot on.
Rated for Shock of Recognition, Complexity in the face of Stupid American Know-nothingistic Babyishness that Tries to Reduce Everything, and for Sticking Your Landing ("I Spit.." vastly over-rated as a seminal modern horror pioneer.)
I feel a little like Jon Voight listening to Sir Larry getting that lifetime achievement Oscar when I read your stuff, Verbal m'dear. All wow, and wow, and ooggle-eyed. Way cool post.