Image: www.liontaming.com. Really.
Running! Jumping! Boot Camp! Long-distance bicycling! Extreme weightlifting! Wall climbing! Surfing! Sailing! Volleyball! Bungee jumping! Paintball! Competitive log splitting! Elk wrestling!
Dear god.
Do single people my age really live this way?
I think I need a drink.
See, Eventual-Ex-Mr.-Remedy and I were hanging out on the sofa last night, sipping at our respective nightcaps, watching the dog chase flies, half-ignoring something-or-other on TiVo, discussing Match.com.
We've both browsed lately. And we're both...kinda...scared.
Because if these people really are out there living the lives they're describing in their profiles, there may be an oversupply of adrenaline in the water. Or something.
On the human energy continuum (which in my mind runs from Garden Slug to Crazed Spastic Weasel), I'm somewhere around a three-toed sloth. (One day I might attempt to go as high as four-toed sloth, but I hear that takes real effort.) J's more a shade-resting coyote.
I am constitutionally disinclined to excessive motion. Call me naturally Energy-Star compliant, but the reason sofa cushions are so soft and seductive? (See?[pat pat pat] Cushy.) It's because they were made to sink into...and keep you there.
And hey! What do you know? The sofa is conveniently located right next to the shelf where my MacBook lives, which is nice, because with this deviously clever setup, I don't actually need to get up and walk into another room to see what all of my invisible friends are up to on Facebook and OS. Yep. It's a pretty sweet arrangement.
On the other hand, Soon-To-Be-Former-Mr.-Remedy is a lot more active than I am. He's a consistent do-er, a maker of things, a lawn trimmer, hedge whacker, beer brewer, motorcycle tinkerer, and basically an all-around fidgety, nervous-energy, gotta-be-doing-something-all-the-time kinda guy. (Well, at least until darkness falls and the fruits of the beer-brewing are poured. Wait--did I just magically turn beer into a fruit? Cool. Writing is magic. Five servings a day, kittens...)
What I'm saying is, if he's saying he gets exhausted reading his hypothetical matches' profiles, it's actually serious.
Now, where were we? Oh, yes, we were in the TV room, talking about not looking forward to having to pretend to enjoy keeping up with somebody who spends every spare, non-working moment hiking, salsa dancing, snake charming, hot air ballooning, baking their own adobe bricks (from which to eventually construct the desert hut, which will serve as a base of operations during dune buggy season), and so forth.
These are SO not my peeps.
I'm never going to be the kind of woman who gets excited about strapping on a 25-lb. backpack and walking uphill for 15 miles. (Hell, I just lost 25 lbs. Why would I want to put it back on again, even temporarily?) My hobbies are pretty much limited to reading, writing, napping, cooking, Netflixing, photographing, and refining my Pandora selections. And I'm OK with that.
But it may prove to be a wee problem down the road a bit. When it's time to escape the gravity field of the sofa and get out there.
As we refilled our glasses with a truly tasty homebrew, we proceeded to the next round of groans and ughs--The Plague of The Profile Cliche.
But that's a whole 'nother discussion entirely.
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Comments
I hope you and the STBX find what you're looking for. As Rodney Dangerfield said in "Back to School" 'It 's a jungle out there!"
Rated.
Oh dear god. I am potentially a cougar.
Con, YOU!? Sarcastic! Say it ain't so! :-) [The emoticon is to piss off Blumenthal]
Barry, my dear, you're welcome at Friday Night Church Services anytime. That's about as close to a polyandrous commune as I'm ever gonna get, probably.
Good luck!
:-)
There are lots of things I like to do. None of which involve hiking in any way, shape or form.
Funny post! rated.
If you're into photography, how come I haven't seen any of your pics?
C'mon, pony up with a few.
For you (it was the only one I could find):
http://new.music.yahoo.com/van-mccoy/tracks/change-with-the-times--1087049
I got some really good responses. It was the honesty that drew them to the my ad. Until, they realize I lied.
Perhaps you should troll Mac stores?
Perhaps I should shut up.
(thumbified for "putting yourself out there" without, you know... actually going out there. I wouldn't! Wow. This is why I couldn't date.)
On match.com I think I mentioned some obscure, but very wonderful author like Paolo Coelho -- consequently never received a hit.
too bad you can't search profiles for all offensive words -- backpack, hiking, outdoor, etc. -- and trim the list of potentials. although reading those *is* sort of horrifyingly funny.
let's go have a gimlet, K?
@ Verbal ... Most profiles are bogus ... the pix, the backgorund, their likes ... maybe more like their wish list than their activity list, and in all likelihood, only things they may want to try once ... maybe. Problem is, you can't meet personality on a dating site. I say, go where people like you hang out ... for me, that's a bar; they come in all sizes and shapes ... sport's, biker, yuppie, etc. i like easy going, middle class places; music, but not hard shit or RAP and where people like to look good, not like slobs. But that's just me. Personally, I'd never want to date a woman who didn't drink. The more she drinks, the better I look. And once you decide your path, you should have no trouble at all.
I'd like to go on a date with one of them just to call their bluff - no one's that active. No one.
Anyway, you don't need a ONL fuddyduddy explaining things to you about life. A great post, and rated.
And you reminded me of a comment that David Herman made in a commentary on Office Space, "It was something the woman who was to be my ex-wife said." (He was recounting the story of "ass-clown".)
You next guy will be exhausted just keeping up with your brilliantly funny, creative mind...
Kisses...
-rated...
Tom! Oh, I know! Especially the ones that say they don't know what to say! Cuz they've never done this before!
Trudge, I've considered honest headlines like "Vaguely Neurotic Double Divorcee Seeks Bad Boy Type For Passionate Unstable Long-Term Mindfuck." (This would be objectively DESCRIPTIVE of some of those Great Lost Loves...but not, oddly enough, the two marriages.)
Trolling Mac stores is one of the better ideas I've heard in a long time, Jodi. ;-) (Take THAT emoticon, Blumy!)
I've got a dog, skeletn. He'll be staying with Daddy, but I have weekly visitation on Friday nights. Obscure actors, eh? Taking notes.
Owl, I'd never heard PreTSD but I like it. You take good care of yourself. Hang out with the boys.
C, yes, we're shaking hands and saying "thanks," but I'm not into applications just yet. Gotta get moved and settled down first.
Lea, I'd rather stick to OS if that's alright with you. :-) [kaPOW, Blum.]
femme forte, my list of potential matches is ALREADY in the double digits, what with a couple of my non-negotiables being children (none) and religion (none). If I also excluded Active Go Getters, my sole remaining potentials would be, like, LSD-damaged hippie freaks, or something!
Heh, shaggy. The ACME School of Lion Taming has taken down many a good man with that bill of goods.
Stacey, hope you enjoy Pandora. It brings me hours of joy each month.
I hear Loitering is being considered for the Olympic games in '16, Stellaa.
UK, singles ads are the ULTIMATE Secreting! You get to spell out exactly what you (think you) want, and they get to do the same, and then your profiles go through a quantum leap inside a database and BAM! It's reality! (Or that's how it works a lot of the time. I've heard.)
God help us all, Rod, if the pix are fake. Many of them are just one or two steps above Nick Nolte mugshots, quality-wise.
Julie, I'll join you at the pool if there's a pool boy. And margaritas. With salt.
Trilogy, yeah...that sounds a bit kinky to me!
ONL, thanks, but it's OK. There are a lot worse things that can come out of a marriage than friends. I feel relatively blessed, all things considred. The downsizing is related and will happen early in the New Year.
Walter, the Craigslistings here just SCARE me. Seriously. SCARE. And I'm not even talking about the ones that include pictures of...the, uh. Standard equipment.
JK, I am totally with you on the laundry thing.
Gwen, yep, I am somewhat solar powered as well. But only in the morning. Once the sun goes down I have another good 8 -10 hours in me.
I think I should try to get over my aversion to Office Space, Doug M.
Laugh, catnmus. Yeah, I PLAN lotsa stuff, too. :-) [a left hook to Blumenthal!]
Mothership, I fear the next time we hang out together we may just melt into the furniture, limp and shapeless, like those boneless chickens in "The Far Side."
mginmn, I kid the Internet, of course, because I love it. There's no better way to weed through the immediate "absolutely nots," at least not one I've found. The "Maybe" pile could be bigger, though...
Green doesn't sell to guys as much as it does to women, mamoore...then again, I'd be lying if I said I were any more "environmentalist" than your average recycler.
Teresa, that sounds like MY idea of bliss, too!
Remember that people lie about 90% of what they put in personal ads. And they fib about the rest.
Why did I see her more than once?
She also told me she was a writer. . . . . .
So I do need to thank you for this post, though I am not in the market right now, there may come a day :) That was for Blumey too. I can just follow behind you and see if any crumbs fall by the wayside.
I'm back in the gym trying to find the muscle tone I lost the past few months sitting around wringing my hands...and I think they said I should find it in a few months, if I come everyday. Groan.
I'm pretty darn sure I won't be strapping on anything...and I don't lift much of anything heavier than a martini.
This is more depressing VR...but hey, let's have a drink and troll sometime, at least we can make each other laugh.
I do community service stuff, but I am like you in that I do not care to hike, salsa dance, blah blah blah. Can't anyone just like to read and rest?
for all the good its done me...
Oh, who get's Dax?
AND, I love it when you call us kittens...
Great post and great tag too...
vzn, if you ask me, there should be a lot more unorthodox uncouplings. The dramatic, nasty, vindictive kind has been done to death. Don'tcha think?
Someone mentioned lion taming. I cracked up imagining that in a personal ad. (Rated big time)
Taming a lion might be a way to interact with another, but it may not be the profiler's first choice.
But? Sitting on a couch half watching Tivo with a close companion? Yeah. Sign me up.
Until then I will Kayak, roller blade, jog, bike, hike, and hit the elliptical machine.
See how that works.
-ds
RRR
* it could be true, but the guys for whom it is true generally think twice about saying it. I actually like to hike ... carrying a lot more than 25 lbs ... but very few women do and you generally scare the crap out of most women by suggesting ... you know, no toilet, no hot water, bad food...
* A lot of it may not be true, so why are they saying these things? I think it's a mix of hoping that you'll think that extra 25 lbs of spare tire they carry "matters less" (It's a standard male lie to one's self to look in the mirror and say "but I can still do 20 miles with a heavy pack" ... when they can't anymore) ... and
* Gee, they'd really love to find a woman who would be happy drinking hot cocoa made from a packet ... walking in the rain.
It's a guy thing ... what can I say. Now can you tell me why so many women put DANCING as their main interest? It's truly unbelievable. Do you know how many guys dance?
I have been trying to parse this one for a long time... the closest I can come is that old joke that goes:
"Why are baptists against sex standing up? ...... Might lead to dancing."
Is "dancing" intended as this innuendo? I don't think so, but if so, guys don't get it.